My Comeback Post

Where have I been??
So I shared that my sweet mama was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in August. I was sitting with her a few weeks ago at church and she handed Miss T something and I thought "where did my mom's hands go?" You would look at them and probably not think anything of it, but I've seen these 2 hands my entire life. They have wiped my tears, clapped as I was encouraged and cheered for, held my hand tight when I've been scared, happy or sad. Rubbed my back, caught me as I was walking out the door to get one last kiss and another I love you, held hundreds of books as she read to me every night till I was much too old to be read to sleep, but wasn't willing to give it up, and done the millions of other things a mother's hands do for her child. You know that her hair will probably fall out, which it has, and that she will be sick and tired. You prepare yourself to take care of her for a change, but I was so taken aback that I didn't recognize her hands. Thankfully we have come to the end of the "yucky" chemo, she will stay on the trial chemo for a year, and she has begun radiation 5 days a week. When it comes to battling cancer my mom is a champ and does it with grace and courage that I admire. I don't feel that I have handled it as well, but someone has to be a mess right?? With cancer you are holding your breath till the phase you are in is done, and then when you think you can breathe again you find out that there is another phase you weren't expecting so life stays on hold again and you continue to hold your breath. I've just been in awe of this experience and despite how truly difficult this has been I have found so many blessings. Thank you all for the continuous prayers and well wishes, it has been amazing to feel that in our life, and my mom especially has felt it.
So this has been heavy on my heart and in the midst of this trial I had a huge shock and another huge blow. I lost one of my best friends. Ann just left us, and I still can't wrap my brain around the concept that she is truly gone. This has truly been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. She was amazing, and wonderful, and loved me with her soul. She had this amazing way about her and the void is huge that she's left in my heart. I wish I could say that I have handled this with strength and grace, but I can't. I feel shattered and broken and have met all the steps of the grieving process over and over and when I think I've gone around the bend, and I'm healing, I find the wound bleeding again and seem to begin it all over again. Her loss is huge, she left her sweet toddler and hubby. She was a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and she was a treasured FRIEND. Just writing that makes me smile. Ann always wrote herself off as not having very many friends, she was always telling us at girls night or lunch how we were some of her only friends, but I smiled at her funeral when they had to open the over flow because of how many people were there. She had so many friends and how could she not, she loved and was kind. She took time to get to know people and saw people who could use a friend and made it her mission to be a friend to them. She never wanted anyone to feel left out. Ann would turn something awful that someone said or did to her and make it into this funny story that would have me in a state of shock, disbelief and laughter all at once. I have never met anyone like her and feel so blessed to know this treasure. I find her in so many places and things and they still are bittersweet, but I know that won't always be the case. The joy will someday outshine the sorrow. But once again as I reflect I have been blessed. I have such a testimony that we aren't given trials because we can handle them, but we are given trials so that we can rely on a loving Heavenly Father, and our Savior. That they will carry us through our burdens. Sadly in life we go through hard things, but I know that I have been held and carried as I have gone through all this, and for that I am thankful.
So to sum it up I've been under a rock, but I'm bobbing above the surface again and I'm truly thankful to have such a amazing family and wonderful friends that I count as family too.